today i am...

Our psychology teacher gives us a quiz every day. They range from pop quizzes over material we should be reading to the simple assignment, "finish this sentence: Today I am..." Well right now I want to do just that.


Today I am...


...wanting with my whole soul to go skiing.


Today I am...

...so intensely excited for the game tonight.


Today I am...


...going to live it out.


Today I am...


...going to stop and smell each rose that I pass.


Today I am...


...remembering what it felt like to stand on top of the world...


Today I am...


...going to live the music inside me.

Today I am...


...going to laugh because it is raining.


Today I am going to dress up a little, because it is a special day.

Today I am going to have a wonderful day.

let it rain...

This morning was crazy. I happened to glance at my watch and realize that exactly at that moment I was supposed to be leaving for church. I had been so deeply pondering the conundrum of what shoes to wear that I hadn't been paying attention to the time. So I carefully put on some flip-flops (they didn't quite match the mood of the outfit, so I would have been better off with the other pair...) and stepped outside. I then took a deep breath and began my mad dash to church. I am convinced that I broke the sound barrier multiple times (when I wasn't going uphill), which is universally acknowledged to be a difficult feat on a bicycle. Twenty slightly sweaty minutes of burning legs later, I walked into church as if I had just calmly stepped out of my own car and had, wizardlike, intended to arrive exactly on time.

After a delightful afternoon, I sat to do some work, but was periodically jarred out of my concentration by a series of loud, manly shrieks. I glanced out the window to see this:


If you manage to peer past the flower bed right outside our window, you will notice that a few of our boys were really enjoying their football game in the rain, and thought the entire campus would like to know about it.

I remember some wonderful rainy days when I was little. One in particular stands out to my memory...

One spring day, a heavy rain had just cleared, leaving a marvelous, enormous puddle in our driveway. My younger sister and I pressed our little noses and fingers against the window and gaped at the tempting lake only a few feet away. Naturally, being the busybodies we were, we didn't remain at the window, but begged to be allowed to play in it. My mother, like any good mother of young children, outfitted us in our rain gear. We each had little rain boots and rain coats, and my sister had a tiny pink umbrella with hearts on it. We stood in the puddle and jumped in the puddle and threw rocks in the puddle, but my mind was already working on something bigger. I was eyeing my sister's umbrella and thinking how marvelously it would float if we turned it upside down. We dropped the umbrella in the muddy water, and it floated perfectly! I of course, was eager to find out just how our pink, lopsided boat would fare under difficult circumstances, so both of us pulled off our rain boots and began filling our umbrella boat with water. Rain boots are splendid for filling boats with water. I'm not sure exactly when in this process my mother looked out the window to see some drowning little socks bobbing next to a very grey umbrella and two squealing, ragamuffin girls splashing barefoot in the puddle, jeans wet to the knees, thoroughly muddy and bedraggled, and utterly happy, but I am sure it gave her a bit of a start. What good times I had when I was little! I was a crazy little loon, I remember quite enough about my childhood to know that. Would you, parents, agree?

Everyone, life is crazy busy for me these days, but I do hope to get in a more substantial post later this week. I have so many things to say--intellectual things, essay things, things of musing, update-on-my-life things--that I had to make a list of all that I want to tell you. Thanks for reading in the meantime, and please do check back later in the week. =)

greek, big words, and inside jokes

Once upon a time, I had a wonderful friend who was named Tiffany. Well, she still is named Tiffany, and she still is my friend, but she was all of that once upon a time too. Anyway, I like to call her Tiffanio on occasion. It's a good nickname, but one that means absolutely nothing to anyone but the two of us. Yet this nickname means enough to us that just my saying it will make her turn a bit pink and launch into a very entertaining response. It is one of the many dimensions of our friendship, and it is so special to us because of the memories and stories that surround the creation of this nickname.

Now as unique of friends as the two of us are, Tiffany and I are certainly not alone in this phenomenon. Everyone has inside jokes. One word or singularly unfunny phrase can send two people into paroxysms of laughter. Strange as this may seem, it is simply because those two people have shared an experience together and it only takes a few words to call up scores of memories and impressions of that experience.

In my US History class this semester (to change the subject entirely), our primary textbook is Don't Know Much About History. Um yeah, not quite the college textbooks or primary sources I read in high school. But today I picked up our second textbook and began reading. This book, A Student's Guide to U.S. History, informed me that its purpose was to communicate the telos of historical studies. Hey, I thought, there's a word I know! And I remembered all the lectures I had heard about the concept of telos. Next came the word ethos. Again, a familiar word with lots of memorable lectures behind it.

I kept reading, coming to a critique of traditional history courses which drilled facts and dates. "One could propose it as an iron rule of historical inquiry," said my book, "that there is an inverse proportionality between the importance of the question and the precision of the answer." Huh, I mused, that sounds like my history teachers' approaches, in contrast to a public school approach. I nestled deeper into my comfortable little corner and kept reading. Soon I reached this nostalgic sentence: "modern historians begin to sound like the J. Alfred Prufrocks of the intellectual world." As I read through pages and pages of allusions to Heraclitus, Homer, Hesiod, Oedipus, Thomas More, Yeats, Don Quixote, and even a brief critique of relativism and postmodernism, I began to notice an odd sensation. I was happily reminded of my high school days (I can use that phrase because I'm so far removed from them now), but I also started to realize that I am a part of a vast, respectable community of which I was previously unaware. This intellectual community has its own inside "jokes," as you might call them. For example, a mention of J. Alfred Prufrock and his inability to eat a peach would sound a bit out of place to someone who had never read "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock." But simply a mention of this character and this fruit, simply the mention of Oedipal psychodrama, made McClay's entire point so much richer. In one or two words, McClay evoked the ethos of all these other people and literary works, called up hundreds of other words we both already associated with that concept, and saved himself the trouble of having to explain his point exhaustively. It feels wonderful to be included in this community, to understand and be edified by its inside jokes. Because of shared educational and intellectual experiences, one little word has the power to recall scores of memories, impressions, and philosophies. I love it. I feel very much at home in this community of which I have only just become aware.

Right now I am gratefully remembering my wonderful teachers who passionately and diligently worked to bring me into this community, who carefully laid the necessary foundation for a comprehension and appreciation of all these allusions. It is because of you that I can revel in this new intellectual community, and I want to sincerely thank all of you. And thank you for not telling me that you were bringing me into a community of which you were already a part. The surprise of the realization just made my sense of awe and delight that much stronger.

growing up

Lately I have become increasingly aware of a tension in my life. A tension between who I was once and who I am becoming. I am caught between my future and my past. This morning I bicycled to church, talked to a few people, then sat down and began considering the seating choices of my fellow worshipers.

When people go to church, I've noticed, they generally sit a) on the ends of the pews and b) toward the back of the sanctuary. I'm not sure why people sit that way, or if it is the result of any unconscious thought process. It could just be habit, but this seating pattern is nearly universal, even among people who have never attended church before. Anyway...

Then I considered my own choice of seating. I was sitting near the middle of a pew, nearer the front of the sanctuary than the back. I have done this every Sunday since I arrived here. A little atypical, but then that description generally fits me pretty well. And then I suddenly realized... I was sitting that way because I was unconsciously waiting for my family. When they came, they would fill the pew around me. On the rare occasions that I sat down in church before the rest of my family, I would always position myself this way, waiting for everyone else to arrive. A few tears began to fall as I realized that my family wouldn't be joining me in that pew this morning. They weren't coming.

Shortly after I made this realization, we sang a children's song, "I'm in the Lords Army." I remembered being a little redheaded goofball, energetically singing that song in Sunday school with my little second-grade pals. Things have really changed since the last time I sang and acted out that song. Now I am living away from my family, away from my hometown, away from all of my close friends and my dear church family.

On the one hand I am so excited about growing up. I love doing my own laundry and making my own (admittedly rather limited) food choices. I enjoy being responsible for managing my own time wisely and conducting myself virtuously. I am excited for all that my future holds.

But on the other hand, the little girl in me is still clinging to her old way of life. I tear up every time I remember that I will never really move back home again. Of course I'll visit in the summers and over Christmas, but when I'm done here, I'll be off to another school, then I'll be living on my own, maybe even getting married.

Someone recently used the image of a river to illustrate the transition I am experiencing. Life will always keep flowing onward. I can never go back to the way things used to be. If I tried, well, it would be impossible, but also my river would become still and stagnant. My life would become something slightly smelly and ugly. I would completely destroy my telos. So even though it hurts a little, on I march.

My pew was filled this morning, with the couple who serves among the young people in the church. They welcomed me (as did most of the other friendly church members) and took me out for lunch. This huge transition in my life is hard, but when I welcome it with open arms, the rewards are truly astonishing. I meet people like the warmhearted youth leaders. I meet people like the sprightly 91-year old woman in my church who knew my great-grandparents and who has welcomed me as if I were her own grandchild. I meet some amazing students and brilliant professors. By not dwelling too much on what I don't have right now (my family and friends), I can fully appreciate what I do currently have (a new church family and school friends).

So how does this relate to you? I want to tell you something you have heard before. I had heard it before too, but I really am starting to appreciate it's importance now.

Live every single day absolutely to the fullest, because you can never go back. Just as I can never go back to my childhood, I can never go back to the same relation to my family, you also cannot go back. You cannot return to this year at school, to this day at your job, to this opportunity to become involved in a community. So act in a way that ensures that when you look back, you won't have regrets.

If you don't get along with your parents now, make your relationship with them right before you leave for college, before you get married. Show your siblings how much you love them before you no longer see them every day. Don't live your life timidly, waiting for just the right opportunity to live it fully. Go out and live exuberantly now! Smell the flowers, kiss a frog, spend a day with your sister, feed a bear, brighten up someone else's day, become involved in your church or school. Make each day the best that you possibly can--it will make transitions easier from both ends. It will keep you from dwelling on the past, and it will help you to embrace the future. The key to both is how you live today.

a freshman once more

Today is Wednesday. Today, I only have one short class. Today, (joy of joys) it is sunny. I really don't mind cool rainy days (and there have been a few lately), but they eventually do get to you. Not only is there a psychological reaction to sunlight, something about not getting a certain vitamin from the sunlight gets you down, I guess. Everyone here recommends a tanning session or two during the winter to get some of that vitamin and keep your moods up a little. We'll see.

Actually though, I have no desire to write about tanning beds. I was going to say that today is sunny and beautiful, so I decided to do my homework outside. I curled up on a bench next to a fountain and contentedly read my history textbook. I have to get through the first 46 pages by Friday morning. So I sat and basked in the sunlight and read. Of course there was the random fruit loop who casually strolled to the other side of the fountain and suddenly was kind enough to direct some of the splashing water my direction.

Boys!

I wound up greeting everyone who walked past as well. It may not be the most effective way of getting homework done, but I really do feel better about the sunny, social method than the cozy, isolated dorm room method. Anyway, I was sitting there, pondering Henry Hudson and Sir Walter Raleigh, when a voice from above me asked, "are you bszhi?" I looked up. "Am I what?" It was one of our Korean students. After several attempts, I finally answered that of course I wasn't busy. He sat down and thumbed through a small, bright pink book. He stopped on a certain page, then carefully asked me what kind of books I liked to read. We made it through that conversation starter eventually, with lots of hand gestures and funny faces. Whenever there was a lull in conversation, he turned excitedly back to his book. It was a handy little thing, full of various useful English phrases in both English and Korean. At least he didn't start with the phrase, "you are getting quite heavy" or, "are you out of your mind?" or, "only a haircut, please." There were some entertaining phrases in that little book.

We talked about a great deal of things, making it through most of the difficult parts with a smattering of Korean and related English words, and lots of gestures. Finally we were stumped on the word Frisbee. I said it several times, spelled it, described it, and acted it out. Nothing worked. So I dashed to my room for the best supplement I could find. When I came back out his face lit up. "A Frisbee!" It was so cute. So a couple Korean students and I played with my Frisbee for a while. One of my favorite parts of our conversations was the nod and smile. You know the one. It is the universal indication of polite bewilderment. The one I would rely on constantly if I was determined enough to learn a difficult foreign language.

Then there are some of the other students on campus. One of my favorite question sequences was this:
"Where are you from?"
"Were you raised on a farm?"
"Have you ever shot an elk?"
"Do you own a cowboy hat?"
"Has anyone you know ever shot an elk?"
"How often do you say, 'yeehaw!'?"
"Have you ever eaten an elk?"
"Where's that?"
The crazies I was talking to obviously know their stuff when it comes to different states.

All that to say, I am enjoying myself here. Classes started on Monday, though we haven't done a lot of real class work yet. All of our classes thus far have been spent in getting to know our 40 other classmates, reviewing our syllabus for each class, and going over the class assignment schedule (which is pretty intense, actually). I am taking 5 classes this semester: Communication II (oral communication), Matthew: The Life of Christ, General Psychology I, US History, and Physical Fitness and Wellness. I have met some very cool people, and my teachers seem to be quite good. Most of my free time is spent at volleyball practices, basketball practices (yes, basketball practices have started already), volleyball games, doing homework, and taking up space around campus (usually the cafeteria area and ping-pong tables). So there you go. =) I couldn't think of anything unique or inspiring to share this week, so you get a little glimpse into my first week of school. Exciting stuff...