male and female he created them

"My father was a man, and I know the sex pretty well." I read this quote in a delightful little book a few weeks ago, and I nearly choked on my banana. As preposterous as this confidence sounded to me, I knew that I was guilty of much the same thing. For a long time, this Calvin and Hobbes comic describes quite accurately my perception of boys.









Boys like explosions, and they can run faster than girls (grrrr...). These two observations were quite enough for me for many years. I had boys figured out.

For the past few weeks in my communications class, we have been studying and discussing gender differences in communication. Apparently men and women communicate differently, and there is a lot more to understand about males than I had previously thought. I'm sure those of you older than myself have already observed what I am about to share, but for me this revelation is novel and astounding.

Allow me to outline the most fundamental concept to understanding gender differences in communication (and in pretty much every other area of life): men and women view the world through two very different lenses. Men and women both have the same two lenses, but they emphasize the lenses much differently.

Men view the world primarily through the lens of hierarchy. They see themselves as individuals, struggling to preserve independence and to avoid failure. For men, every situation and conversation is a bit of a challenge, in which one can either move one-up or one-down in the male hierarchy. This view of the world comes out in a million different ways. Have you ever noticed that in a group of guys there is always someone who is made fun of and picked on? This is because every guy in that group wants to have someone who is definitely below him in the hierarchy. Also, it is a well-known fact that guys are competitive. They have almost superhuman abilities to detect even a hint of a challenge to their ego. That too, is all about hierarchy.

Then, on the other side of the spectrum, we find women. Women. We females view the world primarily through the lens of connection. Women see themselves as part of a network of connections, and their primary concern is to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation. For women, every situation and conversation is an opportunity to create or maintain interpersonal connections, and females are always especially sensitive to others' attempts to push them away. This too, is manifested variously. Why do girls consult their best friends about everything from boys to hair to clothes to food to... who knows what else? Because talking and sharing those decisions builds connection. Why is it that girls can't even make solo trips to the bathroom? Because their world is one in which isolation is the ultimate fear.

This is so interesting for me!! I could cite multitudes of examples in my own life where a misunderstanding based on these two different lenses led to relational mini-disasters. This really is valuable stuff. Knowing and understanding the way people communicate, and how men and women communicate differently, can prevent a whole boatload of misunderstandings and miscommunications. Also, being informed of how people view the world and view their interactions with others will help me to be more thoughtful and considerate in my own interpersonal interactions. I like it. =)