a new sort of literary criticism

Last week I was glancing through a journal compiled by (and for) secondary English teachers when I encountered this amusing collection of analyses. Some are better than others, but I thought I would post these assessments of literature for those of you who will truly appreciate them.

Literary “Two Cows” Stories
-Aaron Pauls

The field of economics is noted for using “two cow” stories to explain various economic systems. (Example for fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.) One day I began thinking, What if “two cow” stories were written by famous literary figures? What would they sound like?
Here are some interesting examples.

Jane Austen
You have two cows. They get together and dance with your neighbor’s cows and exchange gossip. Every eligible and sensible cow finds the perfect bull.

Thomas Hardy
You have two cows. One day you accidentally forget to milk one. God causes the cow to destroy your home, trample your crops, gore your entire family, and leave you paralyzed, just to teach you a lesson.

Nathaniel Hawthorne
You have two cows. You think this is symbolic. You tell everyone you know not only that it is symbolic, but how it is symbolic, just so they don’t miss the point.

Herman Melville
Herman has two cows. Before telling us about them he first suggests we read famous quotes concerning cows, learn every scientific classification of cow, find the uses for every piece of cow meat, read works concerning the glory in raising cows, talk about the origins of cow herding, expand on the wonder of the cow eyeball, study the use of the cow’s tail, talk about the different kinds of barbed wire used to fence in cows... and learn the variety of creatures that prey on cows. When he finally gets around to actually talking about his cows, no one is reading anymore.

Ninth-Grade English Class
I have 2 things. Theyr cows. I have to right a para-graph about them. I hating writing. Id rather bee watching TV. I reelly like watching srubs because its awsom I think that the main caracter is realy funny he makes me laugh one time he made a joke about cows that made me lol thats why I have two and have written about them. I need two more sentence to meet the minimum. Here they are.

Pauls, Aaron. "Literary ‘Two Cows’ Stories." English Journal: National Council of Teachers of English 99.2 (2009): 16-17. Print.